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indoorumbrella

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2008 [11 Jan 2009|08:02am]
january:
beginning - everything is so stupid and i'm going to be stuck in naples for forever!
end - /useless.

february:
beginning - february fourth, 08 will forever be remembered as the first day i ever spent time in jail.
end - i'm an idiot.

march:
beginning - i'm so tired of people trying to sabotage me from really far away.
end - life is just really, really bad.

april:
beginning - i need to adopt this way of thinking again
end - time to try.

may:
beginning - pretend it's april 17th again. happy birthday to me. almost.
end - i don't know!

june: none.
july: none.
august: none.
september: none.
october: none.

november:
beginning - i can't fucking stop.
end - and i've decided to embrace my crazies.

december: none.



haha. i'm bored and retarded and just became blatantly aware of how "out" livejournal is anymore. weird.

[04 Jan 2009|09:22pm]
different year, same shitty situations i keep putting myself in. living a double life, the house with cassie and abby didn't work, of course. thinking about moving again so i can cut my double life back down to one, if only for a month or two. running away from what's good for me and letting myself be distracted by shit that's bad for me. living in the moment and letting anyone who is invested in me get hurt. working two jobs for once, but one comes with bad intentions. getting closer to being able to support myself while getting closer to ripping myself apart.

yep, not a damn thing has changed over the years.

oh and, [19 Nov 2008|05:28pm]
[ mood | insane. ]

tonight will be the night i get back on my retarded weight loss plan of starving myself again! they should really tell this shit to girls in middle school. maybe then life won't be so retarded if you're fat and stupid and don't know how you got there! starve yourself, little ones! it makes eeeeeeevvvveeeeerrryyytttthhhiiiiinngg better.

ha!

WHATEVER! [19 Nov 2008|05:24pm]
[ mood | fucking bipolar crazy person ]

i'm tired of blahblahblah this should have happened, but it didn't but i wish it did blahblahbldjnkjbnrtj. i'm an idiot. and the problem is not that there needs to be more, it's that i keep looking for shit to remind me of it! so fuck it. i've been kindasortaalittlebit trying to get a hold of him and nothing. so fuck the mp3 player. fuck the goddamn ring. fuck everything i burned already and fuck feeling bad for burning it. i'm holding onto a couple select pictures for sentimental reasoning and just wanting to remember that part of my life 10 years from now and moving on.

fuck this repetition. if you don't want it, neither do i. i can do better anyways.

i can't fucking stop. [16 Nov 2008|12:11am]
[ mood | djfkerjbnerjbnkjte ]

my sanity's slow downfall on this particular night would be because of the pictures. i've been going through photobucket, and after the collage of me and alison and our incredibly fearless and amazing time as best friends, came seattle. seattle for the first time. i can feel it, it's underneathe my skin. i was starting to become afraid that it might be easy to forget it all, i wanted to have atleast small moments of memory, if not the whole thing. but i'm getting it all. all of the fucking pictures. i remember the story behind every single one of them. and if there's not a story, there are atleast a few choice words and smiles that i can pin to them. twinkles in our eyes, and the happiest i had ever been up to that point, and feeling the most beautiful i ever had. so blind and ignorant but who cares? it was the first. and it lasted so fucking long. and now i can't stop dwelling. yeah, it's getting better but i'm still wishing i could go up there to see his big show at el corazon at the end of december. he's grown so much and i'm so proud of him and i just wish i could still be a part of it so i can erase, or atleast cover up, all the mistakes i made and all the things i should have done with fresh happy memories and actually telling him how proud i am of him for once. there was a window of me being like that for him, but i know it was only because i knew that's what he wanted to hear. yes, he was talented, and i was happy to be a part of it but when it came down to either going to his band practice or staying home and smoking a bowl with jenna i can almost guarantee where the majority would be. so many should haves. and the worst part of it all is that it doesn't feel like it's too late. it feels like all the mistakes are just a tiny corner of what it all is. this should be something that can be saved but maybe it's really not. maybe all it was, was a first. a nice first story to tell down the road and dwell on in the back of my head for the rest of my forever. all because i was too stupid to see what i had.

great. that's just fucking great. it's been a year, i should be way passed this fucking point.

[27 May 2008|06:07pm]
i don't know!

[14 May 2008|09:02pm]
i love that i have random spurts of inspiration for life getting better and everything atleast having a sunny side even though as soon as i put down the piece of paper and go on to the next thing, i forget all my previously made goals and just get pushed down by whatever is going wrong next. it's like, what's the point? why do i keep building it up just to make a minimal effort to get nowhere? it's never enough, because honestly, what can you do to change things around when your life is being dictated by a new relationship and promises of things that will never happen? i'm all talk, i've realized. and it really just pisses me off.

things are going too fast, in every way possible. i don't like this whole "getting older" thing, and that's all i'm sure about anymore.

but, bright side, i'm done with my stupid ass drug classes. and, not-so-bright side, probation won't be ending until december 20th of this year. i believe that's seven months. maybe six. i don't know. i don't really care about anything anymore. i just want to do something with myself and it doesn't seem worth it to try. i'm getting nowhere fast.

i'm contradicting myself like fucking crazy.

whatever.

pretend it's april 17th again. [04 May 2008|07:41pm]
happy birthday to me. almost.

[04 Apr 2008|06:03pm]
indoorumbrella
2007-01-14 03:27 am UTC (link) Select
the great thing about getting into writing is that i almost become numb to the actual story. it may sound bad, but it makes it easier to be face to face with all the details of a million years ago.

you = fire extinguisher(sp?)


_stephani_
2007-01-14 04:11 am UTC (link) Select
(like I would know the spelling of a word that's longer than my name.)
Bitch plz.

somehow, I completely understand. Writing about my mom, doesn't hurt. Reading about my mom, kills.


indoorumbrella
2007-01-14 04:28 am UTC (link) Select
takes an outside perspective to see painful things clearly.


_stephani_
2007-01-17 04:33 am UTC (link) Select
touche.


indoorumbrella
2007-01-17 07:09 am UTC (link) Select
i'll be famous for this someday.



i need to adopt to this way of thinking again. i've gotten so down on myself and, here i always am, sitting and wondering why everything sucks. time to try.

[09 Mar 2008|05:12pm]
life is just really, really bad.

[05 Mar 2008|05:04pm]
i threw up on the counter at work today and it was really awesome timing because some lady was yelling at me for not paying enough attention to my customers even though i'm standing at the register. i tried telling her i needed to step away for a moment, but noooo. had to go and be a bitch. and now everyone at starbucks probably thinks i'm a crazy hypochondriac who just sleeps with random doctors for doctor's notes and who has the ability to puke on cue. that's special.

[04 Mar 2008|12:34pm]
i'm so tired of people trying to sabotage me from really far away! it's gotten old! jesus. must be karma. or some really big assholes.

erlkgmjrtbm ugh. and i have the flu.
coolcoolcool.

[20 Feb 2008|02:02pm]
Photobucket

i didn't realize how much has changed until i came across this picture. damn.

[15 Feb 2008|07:09pm]

tonight is the night i will begin to starve myself again. yes!

i'm an idiot.

[13 Feb 2008|12:12am]
i'm a hurricane. that's all there is to it.

[10 Feb 2008|04:26pm]
I'M SICK OF BEING SICK. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. BRONCHITIS IS FOR PUSSIES! I'M TIRED OF BEING A PUSSY!

(i'm going craaaazy.)

[06 Feb 2008|09:34pm]
february fourth, 08 will forever be remembered as the first day i ever spent time in jail. if i ever have to go back, with my knowledge, i'm running away to canada or mexico or just some place far and never ever coming back.

scariest shit in the fucking world.
now, time to sue my probation officer for putting me there on bullshit violations.

sweet.

[03 Jan 2008|10:12am]
everything is so stupid and i'm going to be stuck in naples for forever! awesome!

[13 Dec 2007|07:59pm]
evan apologized for ever hurting me. no one really knows who evan is, but this is a big deal. so, post it note to remember this day.

i hate everything, by the way. but craig is here in a week. so, i guess that's cool.

[24 Aug 2007|08:36pm]
there's been a turnaround, i feel things getting lighter. california in two months, i just need to get a goddamn job.


ps: i love living with stephani. it's pretty effing cool.

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